"I am in a state of disbelief: I want the world in the context of reality...but where has it gone? There is no way to know what is going on, what is behind the surface, what is real or false or superficial. But, at intermission of my downtrodden state, I surface. I don't think about any failures I have endured, I just move forward like an apathetic green soldier headed to the battlefield for the hundredth time. To survive; it is the only way. To rely on some blind faith, some supposed guardian angel. Or to simply march. No reliance. No cure. No anticipation. Remote. Rote. Just forward. Just action. Just success and needless credit."
I remember writing this, I believe it was in or after my biology lab some time in October, and I was in such a frenzy to just write something on the page. I had a bunch of words inspired by my frustrations with being behind with every thing expected of me--normal for a first semester college freshman, they say--and then catching up and failing. I had to find a way to boost my morale and find a motivation to continue to try at this lifestyle. And, like my writing process, I had to just start somewhere and keep going. The Try comes along the way, kind of like riding a bike for the first time: you have to push off and then find your balance to pedal.
I still haven't found that perfect balance yet. In fact, I'm no where near a "good" balance. But, I'm going. I'm staying on the seat of the wheels, and from that point, I go.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
agreed. most times the anticipation of going is tougher than the movement itself.
ReplyDelete