travel thoughts.

There is a really fresh scent in the Oklahoma air that is traveling through the van right now. It’s not anyone’s perfume, and it’s definitely the synthetic smell of the leather seats. I think it’s the rain. It’s been a while since I’ve smelled rain like this, though, and now it has me reminiscing about summertime…and Christmas day is only two days away.

            Otherwise, Oklahoma is pretty bleak, or at least the drive through it is. Its grass is the typical wintry-brown, the trees are completely barren of anything visually indicating life; there are fenced-in black cows and piles of rubbish along the highway. Not like trash. It’s actually the kind of “rubbish” I think of, maybe in an antiquated sense, like rocks and dirt and pieces of concrete pulled up from the ground. It has a look that reminds me of a post-war scene (of course, and thank you, movies), maybe inspired by my own introverted workings of a “violent and destructive shattering.” And I do not want to feel better. Anyone feeling the impulse to try to make me feel better or understand everything behind this, please stop that thought before you act upon it.

            I’m just bummed-out and angry, to put it as simply as possible.

I’m bummed-out and angry towards college. I’m bummed-out and angry that I didn’t see it coming—that college really is not the great institution of enlightenment and expansion. That college isn’t about the education, it’s about the grades. It’s about something that I have never aspired to do correctly, and for some reason I feel like I now have to make it my priority. It seems like an entirely superfluous component of education to me. It always has.

            But I’m still disappointed that I’m not meeting the “standards.”

And I think I’ve come up with at least two explanations, and the first one is the shortest:

1.     I’ve got my priorities in the right place already: grades aren’t all. In fact, they will contribute nothing to the “big picture” of my life.

2.     I’m just making excuses for my failure to comply. Grades are the gateway to the “big picture” of my life, thereby of utmost importance.

Ugh. All I really want to do is be depressed. And, like always, I will. Because to me, I am the victim; the second explanation is correct, and I’m a failure of the most ultimate kind because I have no motivation to apply it to my life.

That scent from earlier is gone. And it looks like we’re approaching some sort of Oklahomian civilization comprised of trailer lots, gas stations and ponds filled with cow shit.

How appropriate. I should move to Oklahoma.

I'm still way out there in the background.

Here's to you. It's been a year.
I know you won't see this, but I don't care.

french boules.

Here's how they turned out. Didn't want them too browned (too crunchy versus chewy, plus, I wanted to eat them sooner!), so you can't really see the slashes too well.

Mmmmm.

on today's menu:

french baguettes
poached eggs
laundry
tea


The french baguettes have yet to be completed. They are taking a lot...a LOT of time and it will be rather interesting how they turn out, considering that I don't own a couche (bread cloth thingy in which baguettes are put to rise).

Perhaps I will post pictures when the whole project is finished, given that it isn't a disaster.

feel like makin' love!

Haha, not really--just Bad Company is happening right now.

So, I am satisfactorily happy about being on break. I've found that I punish myself for not meeting my expectations, but oh, well. I don't know how to change that about myself.

For example, I hadn't eaten anything all day, and on the way home (around 9:30), we stopped in Charlotte to eat at this little sushi restaurant called Ru San's. I might add, it was in the middle of nowhere, but looked really legit--and John and Ally are both huge fans. Extensive menu. So many choices, some pricier than others. I just couldn't find it within me to reward myself with something expensive. I didn't do anywhere near as well as I wanted to this semester, so I ordered zarusoba.

I really love properly-made, fresh sushi.

I will never do and never will do as well as I want to do.
I need to give myself more credit.


On a separate note--
Today sort of began on Wednesday at 7 a.m., that is, I pulled an all-nighter last night and paid for it today. My biology exam wasn't nearly as difficult as I predicted. After I finished, I checked the answer keys that were posted by the exit, and I found that I changed a couple of answers that were originally correct, and that always pisses me off. But. It didn't really affect me all too much, I was too tired. I went back to my dorm and showered, planning to sleep for an hour since it was only 9:30 by the time I got out, and then cramming for my AERO201 final at noon. Sleep happened. Too much of it, actually. I woke up at 3:34 p.m.

Needless to say, I was extremely panicked after I realized the time. Up until that point, I was trying to make sense of the fact that I was asleep, because I was extremely disoriented in my own darkening dorm room, and I had had a "dream" that was really just me in some alternate state of consciousness, or perhaps the cerebral manifestation of the song "Everything in its Right Place" by Radiohead.

It was weird.

But, I called my professor and told him what had happened, and he was luckily very forgiving. He allowed me to go immediately to the armory (where the class is held) and take the exam. I was a little sad that I didn't get to do any additional studying, but I made a B on the exam anyway, which is what it is, considering the class has only one hour of credit.

Unfortunately, this whole sleeping and exam ordeal caused my car-full to leave two hours after the originally set time.

But, alas, I made it home around midnight. Parents were asleep already. I suppose I will see them in the morning.

Tomorrow, I want to make some ginger salad dressing. And that is all my apathetic self has to say.

for the record...

I hate the term "cramming."

Un saule penché sur le ruisseau, pleure dans le cristal des eaux; ses feuilles blanches

Oy vey, Introduction to Ethics final exam was today. Here were the questions:

Part I

     Describe what an act would have to be like in order for Mill and Kant to agree that it was morally wrong, even if they disagreed as to why. Describe what an act would have to be like in order for Mill and Kant to agree that is was morally right (or permitted). In both cases, make clear that you know why the kinds of acts you describe fit the bill.  (10 points)

Part II

     In "Famine, Affluence, and Morality," Peter singer argued that those of us who are comparatively well-off have a moral obligation actively and substantially to help those who are dramatically worse off than we are (he focused specifically on those who are starving). In other words, he thinks people are doing something morally wrong if they are not actively and substantially helping those in need.

     What is his argument for this conclusion? Is it a good argument (i.e. an argument that has true premises and successfully establishes the truth of his conclusion)? If you think the argument is flawed, what is wrong with it? (How might Singer try to reply to your objection?) If you think the argument succeeds, what is the strongest objection to it? What is wrong with that objection? In the course of answering these questions, be sure to relate explicitly the arguments and objections you discuss to the theories advanced in what you have read by Mill and Kant. Be careful not to get caught up in (non-moral) empirical questions about, say, the actual effects of various forms of aid, at the expense of addressing the fundamental moral issues raised by Singer's Paper. (90 points)

I wrote for two hours. Altogether, I feel that my response to Part II was adequate, albeit slightly wordy with superfluous use of subordinate clauses and exceptional mastery of punctuation, which the UNC philosophy department thinks deserves a D on paper assignments (apparently!). The Peter Singer essay was the first that we read in class this year, and overall, it wasn't very difficult to understand. After all, its repetitiveness seems really central to philosophy, insofar as I imagine it characterized as a huge mallet sort of just pounding its way into my head. It kind of sucks, though, that I seem to be made up of a certain material that has only been analyzed to hold the theoretical nails in an augmented fashion.

Part I, however, was a different story. One that I do not wish to retell, but merely say that it does not have a very happy ending. The damned question. I swear that it cannot be answered without altering the arguments in one form or another, which I do not think is supposed to happen when you are stating the actual arguments of the respective philosophers. I mean, not in order to produce an effective response, that is.

Ugh, subjectively, I am a philosophical failure. Too literary, too this or that. Oh, well. Pencils down! It's over now.

Tomorrow's exams include Biology (which I am going to fail, but I have accepted this as fact) and The Evolution of Air and Space Power (which is a toss-up between an A and a C).

...That weirdo guy that always writes his chemistry problems on the dry-erase board in the Old East study room just walked through the room and gave me a weird look...

I'm so happy that I am finishing up the first eighth of my undergraduate degree...TOMORROW. God-willing, I will have a decent GPA (and by "decent," I mean at least a 2.5) in order to receive the scholarship for AFROTC which will become active next semester. Although it isn't retroactive, and although I've already paid next semester's tuition, I will still receive a stipend and other monetary/healthcare niceties that will only increase as long as I keep the scholarship...which is pretty much a must for my going to college at all. Oh yeah, and tuition will be paid.

'Cause you see, I have four little siblings back at home who I feel should have the option to go to college, if that is their path in life, and I'd much rather them have a college fund saved up for the careers of their choice. I know at least two of them have developed passions that I assume will turn into careers of some type. As for my long-term career, that is yet to be determined. I have so much to explore and learn about before I can decide what is best for me; I'm just one of those people that doesn't have a single passion, but many. Or pseudo-passions. Pseudo-passions can only bring so much satisfaction, but they do provide variety in the meantime.

Otherwise, I have a lot of thinking to do.

Ah, my lonesome walks on this trail. It went all over the place. I got lost one afternoon, and it was only a little bit worrisome because I was afraid I was going to miss the bus back to The Summit, and I didn't have a contact number otherwise for means of transport. Bob Dylan kept me company, and so much love for the green earth. I don't remember any particular epiphanies that occurred on these numerous walks, but I do remember an overwhelming sense of peace, which is as close as I get to contentment.

I love reflecting on my time in Manitou Springs, Colorado this past summer. Summit was unbelievable great, even if I don't find myself to be the most über-religious person. Not that it's really all about religion, anyway, but about truth and self-examination. I came back home really refreshed and ready to tackle college. I don't feel that I have lost that feeling yet, at least not completely.

Alas, I should probably get on tonight's study bandwagon. It's the final night for finals studies, although I am a bit tired. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I tried to sleep today after my final, and was wholly unsuccessful: I was so restless; from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., I tossed and turned around in my hot bed, trying to make myself calm or at least rested for tonight's all-nighter. Turns out, I finished Hemingway's "The Garden of Eden" (looooove), started on "Vintage Murakami," and then realized that I should probably take care of the Mediterranean Deli overcharge ordeal and get a little something for someone from Carrboro, as well as get something to eat (as I had not done so for the day). It was almost one of those days that used to imagine myself having way back when I was sixteen, involving tousled hair and dewy skin. And no, this has nothing to do with sexuality. I just have perceptions of myself...

Last note: I go home around 2 or so, home for a couple days, leave for CO on Tuesday, and then I'll be back by the 3rd of January. I'm looking forward to the roadtrip to CO, mostly because I plan on either reading or listening (or both) to Dostoyevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov" as per Harrison's recommendation. He said it changed his life. We will see.

moleskine entry X

"I am in a state of disbelief: I want the world in the context of reality...but where has it gone? There is no way to know what is going on, what is behind the surface, what is real or false or superficial. But, at intermission of my downtrodden state, I surface. I don't think about any failures I have endured, I just move forward like an apathetic green soldier headed to the battlefield for the hundredth time. To survive; it is the only way. To rely on some blind faith, some supposed guardian angel. Or to simply march. No reliance. No cure. No anticipation. Remote. Rote. Just forward. Just action. Just success and needless credit."

I remember writing this, I believe it was in or after my biology lab some time in October, and I was in such a frenzy to just write something on the page. I had a bunch of words inspired by my frustrations with being behind with every thing expected of me--normal for a first semester college freshman, they say--and then catching up and failing. I had to find a way to boost my morale and find a motivation to continue to try at this lifestyle. And, like my writing process, I had to just start somewhere and keep going. The Try comes along the way, kind of like riding a bike for the first time: you have to push off and then find your balance to pedal.

I still haven't found that perfect balance yet. In fact, I'm no where near a "good" balance. But, I'm going. I'm staying on the seat of the wheels, and from that point, I go.