2 May 2011

I have trusted you for two long years. I have taken your words at face value; I have put them in little frames and hung them on my wall. They are 2-dimensional; they are what I have started with. I have not had any reason to doubt their reality; I have not had any reason to find them imperfect or unbeautiful.

And yet, it’s ironic that those very words, although they were not to me, were able to shatter my vision. They are able to break my thoughts in half and cut into my mind like a knife to a hardened, violated heart. I never claim to have lied, although I know I have; but I never expected you to do the same.

It’s not selfish of me to have these expectations. It’s not unrealistic to think that I could have forgotten all of the past trespasses to my heart that others have made. It’s not unrealistic to think that I did and still find love once again. But even the simplest love is laid on the foundations of trust. I have loved because I have trusted. I have been hurt because I have trusted--you.

But I’m not sure. And I want proof. And you aren’t willing to give it, and my logic just takes over and psychology and sociology and everything that I’ve ever known to be true about other people seems to make all of these years into white lies, untold stories of nights and days and notes and messages to a whim. Something that only you understand. Something that I cannot understand because you will not let me.

So I beg you. I hold steadfast, though. I will not lose my dignity again, not to something that I know to be right.

sometimes I wish I had never met you.

Beyond all self-righteousness holds an evident truth that there is a full picture in a glimpse. There is always truth behind a suspicion. I try, trying to sort through the suspicions myself; but without truth, there is no resolution. There is no happy ending. There is naught. 

3-30-2010: I've been seeing a lot of posts about friendships lately.

EDIT 4-1-2011: So, this is where I was a year ago. This was that one post about friendship that I thought had gotten deleted (accidentally) forever ago.

It has been a while, but this is important.

I suppose it's a good idea to post something as a new chapter of my life is potentially approaching.

I have not finalized everything yet; I have made my advising appointment for April 7th and will see what my "advisor" has to say about all of this, but I have every intention of "taking some time off" after this semester (in other words, disenrolling from UNC until further notice). It's a really scary step to take. I can't escape the guilt of being a so-called quitter, but the point is: I'm not myself anymore, and I blame the university. I'm not even at a point anymore that I can clearly express myself about this issue, but it will come with time. I just know that things won't get any better unless I take this time to reflect and reassess what I want to do with my life.

I'm not leaving Chapel Hill, though. I've signed a year-long lease with three friends for a house very near the university that begins June 1st, a lease that can be renewed if I decide to return (and am reaccepted) to UNC. My plans are to simply work, live a simpler kind of life. Sounds idyllic at this point, but it's worth a try. With any luck at all, I can develop a business plan to pursue several entrepreneurial interests that I have that I feel would be appealing to the area and give me some legitimate experiences in the "real" world.

Regardless, I'm going to be starting from the ground and working up from there. I'm looking forward to replenishing my artistic abilities, my passions--writing, painting, drawing, culinary arts, crafting. I am always having ideas, and there is nothing in the world that I would love more than being able to immerse myself in the art of creation. I'm such an industrious little person in the right situation, my studies not being one of them (granted, I love Spanish). And for the sake of emphasis, I repeat: I cannot wait to have the time to be passionate about something again.