3-30-2010: I've been seeing a lot of posts about friendships lately.

EDIT 4-1-2011: So, this is where I was a year ago. This was that one post about friendship that I thought had gotten deleted (accidentally) forever ago.




So, I decided to give my take on situations such as the ones some of you might be experiencing.

I have always had this really strange feeling that others aren't really needed, but are much like an accessory: always less important than the "main" items, be those family, goals, jobs, etc. I don't know if I can blame it on my upbringing, although, I do remember pretty vividly someone in my family telling me for that little stretch of pubescent social-neediness that I don't "need people." And it is kind of strange now, being at this university where there is so much pressure to be social, to meet new people, to work together, to ask others for help. This concept of social promotion pretty much hit me hard all last semester and a lot of this semester as well.

I've learned that I am not very good at making new friends simply because, most of the time, I can't see a need other than to relieve this pressure of being social. Moreover, to me, that's not a good enough reason until the loneliness of my being alone in my room for the entirety of every weekend strikes. Although this hasn't happened in a while, I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency to have at least one non-romantic relationship at school. Highschool friends were way out of the picture; they had already found their replacement friends at their respective colleges, already moved on from whatever strong ties they had with me to the acquaintance-level friendship that I more than detest: I am apathetic. The only thing worse than hate is indifference, as the sage Elie Weisel has been ever-quoted to say.

I felt like I was going crazy. My boyfriend, John, thought I was going crazy. A lot of Radiohead and Thom Yorke happened at that point in time, ("did I fall or was I pushed?") and a lot of really strange emotions of helplessness. They were not unlike ones I had experienced before, but extending over a much longer stretch of time. I joined AFROTC sometime within the early onset of this behavior, and it helped somewhat, but the loneliness still persisted.

It still persists. There are times where I completely break down, thinking about the worthless nature of relationships. I think to myself, where is the end to this relationship? What good will it accomplish in the future? And I never have any answers but the one I am completely on my own. Have I ever been seriously hurt by others? I don't really know. I know that there is always my "hurt" somewhere on a spectrum, where extremes are doubtfully anything I understand. But, like anyone, I feel betrayed by this lost sense of meaningful relationships that the world seems to promote. Heck, life itself naturally seems to promote the sense of isolation if you believe that life runs its short course and then ceases to persist, a perspective that is ever-present in an increasingly apathetic society.

Why would I want to be a part of such a society? WHY DO I NEED THIS SOCIETY TO BE MY BENEFACTOR? It is in  no way promoting a positive ANYTHING.